Of all the e-mail come-ons I’ve received in the past year in connection with my job search, from services that promise to turn me on to jobs over $100k (if only I’ll pay a monthly fee) to misconceived, laughable efforts to match my resume perfectly, the very sliest, most sophisticated ones are the ones like this one, which I received just today:

Dear Brad,

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you, but your credentials are quite impressive and I would love to speak to you. We have helped countless individuals realize their dreams of owning a business of their own. Based on your resume, I can see that you are quite accomplished in your field and may welcome the chance to apply your expertise in a more entrepreneurial setting.

Our network of franchisors represents the hundreds of major franchise businesses that currently exist in the industry. Our services simply assist prospective clients, such as yourself, in researching and selecting available franchise businesses that best suit desired lifestyles and financial goals. The research, qualification, and application service we provide costs you absolutely nothing; our affiliates get paid by the franchisor if and when you open your doors.

This is a unique opportunity that would allow you to apply your experience to a business of your own, increasing your earning potential and allowing you some much deserved flexibility in your career.

I’d love to speak with you and provide more insight, as well as answer any questions you may have. Please visit us at www.biz-recruit.com for more information.

Best regards,

The thing that gets me about these messages — or which GOT me until I became familiar with the pattern — was the way they start out making you think that, just this once, an actual human has read your resume and thought about your situation and decided that you’d be just right for them…

That’s something that happens all too often in these days of computerized, insulated job applications, processes that seem designed with one priority — to make sure you never make a human contact.

For the most part, all of the promising contacts I’ve had, the best leads, have all been from people I already knew, or who already knew me. With very few exceptions, the things you apply for online (and don’t call us) have been dry holes. I’ve applied for them anyway, doggedly, dutifully. But it’s a dispiriting process.

Anyway, these folks trying to find new franchise holders are pretty aggressive. Once, one of them called me on the phone, and got me to agree to talk to someone out of Charlotte who helps people set up franchise businesses. This was four or five months ago.

I had zero interest in starting a franchise business. Franchise WHAT? you may ask. What KIND of business? All sorts, they said. It was kind of inconceivable to me that I would go into a business I didn’t have a burning desire to go into. Unless someone had always wanted to own, say, a fast-food restaurant, it seems doubtful to me that he would succeed. And yet I know that the business world is full of people who go into a business, or several businesses, simply because it’s a way to make money. And some make lots of it. But that’s a mindset that was, and is, alien to me. The concept was so generic, so fill-in-the-blank. If the work itself isn’t interesting, or rewarding, how can you get up every day and do it, and with sufficient dedication to succeed? I have no idea.

But I talked to the guy; I listened to his pitch. And finally I said, Look, don’t you have to have some capital to get a franchise? And he said yes. Well, said I, I’m unemployed. And my severance is running out, and (although I didn’t quite put it this way) I’m certainly not insane enough to blow what’s left on some business I have no motivation to go into. Besides, I’m sure it’s wouldn’t be enough. Right, he said.

So, I asked, how on Earth is one to come up with this capital? Said he, well, if you own your own home…

So that was it. I was expected to throw my one asset of significant material value onto the floor in this dubious crap game.

I thanked the man and ended the conversation at that point.

I’m sure that for some people, this would be just the thing, the opportunity they’d always dreamed of. And great enterprises entail risk.

But it wasn’t for me. I do have to hand it to them, though, for having the most sophisticated come-on, one that appeals to the unemployed person’s desire to be noticed, to have one’s resume actually read…